I hate what I am

White Male. I hate being a white male. Most of the injustice in the past 1000 years is credited to white males. Now who I am as a creature of God is regardless of my skin tone or sex. But I am all things that God hates. Without Christ, I am nearly as bad as it gets. I have aided oppression, even directly oppressed at time. I have averted my eyes from the homeless, the poor, and the emotionally needy.

Let me tell you a story from my life that speaks to the innermost of my being.

I was in college in Austin, walking down the drag on my way home from class I passed by Austin 1st Baptist, a spot frequented by the "streetrats" as they are often called there. There were half a dozen or so people sitting on the front steps. I saw the way they looked at the other passers-by, sneering or disgusted by them. While the passers-by did their best to keep their conversations moving fluidly and their minds off of the ragged group. I sighed in relief as I shook my pocket to see if I had any change.

How disgusting is that! I was looking for the least interaction possible with these people. As I got closer I recognized a few of them from the area. Some of them appeared new, still wearing decent clothing. One of the older men had a dog. Most of them were in their 20s. As I approached I averted my eyes like all of the others, not just trying to avoid staring, but avoiding social contact at all costs. When I was still a short distance off I quickly scanned the group for any information that would be useful.

This is when I first noticed him. He was my age, wearing all black clothing, not in too terrible of condition. He had a dog tethered to him by his beltloops. His face was severely swollen on one side, crusty and scabbed, but still bleeding and oozing. He had either fallen from a moving vehicle, or been beaten very badly. I doubt he had a car which left one option. He was smoking a cigarette and sneering at every person as they walked by, yelling out at some. As I approached I kept thinking just get home without hurting anyones feelings.

"Hey buddy, you spare any change?"

I couldn't ignore him... but I wanted to. I turned towards him to answer his question, but didn't quite turn enough to make eye contact to make sure he didn't think I was staring at his disfigured face. I replied that I "only used credit" which was a lie. I felt relief as I continued on my way, almost happy with myself for skirting out of the situation without any damage done on either side when he stopped me cold in my tracks. My heart sank lower than I thought possible with his next question.

"Well then... Can you spare a hug?"

I was crushed. I turned and looked at him. He was testing me, or making fun of me. Whatever he was doing, it touched me deeply. He might not have been homeless. Many of the panhandlers on the drag are not. He could live without the money. What he couldn't live without was feeling human. People ignored, avoided, and lied to him regularly as they walked by. He wasn't even looked down upon... nobody took the time to look at him at all.

He wasn't asking for the change, or even the hug, but for me to consider him a human. A person of worth. Everything I was taught by society told me to avoid him. He is dirty, poor, and homeless. These are apparently sins. Homeless people are homeless because they make bad decisions. They are dangerous. They don't have personality they are cold hearted. In this moment he was overturning my world. Life didn't make sense for me any more if I could live in the affluence that I did and ignore these people on the street. Even if the things society had taught me had been true... it still wasn't right.

After a pause, and the thought of him smearing his bloody (probably diseased I thought) face on my face and shirt, I said of course.

I turned and looked him in the eye, and hugged him. I didn't leave feeling good about doing the right thing. I left hating myself for who I had been. He said thanks as I walked off and some of his buddies snickered. He was playing with me, teasing me, but teaching me at the same time.

So how do I respond to being a white male who treats the poor like a trash heap?

I see injustice daily, and yet it is still a struggle to give up my surplus to help those without any. I am thankful for the pain I feel in failing this way. It is leading me to live more like Christ.

I have some thoughts going through my mind lately. Revolutionary thoughts. I used to tell myself that a life of relative poverty was not for everyone. Giving up earthly possessions was not for everyone. What a cop out. I don't believe having things is wrong, but I always have more than I want. I don't even take just more than I need, I take more than I want. That way every desire of my flesh is filled every time. How terrible this is. I never feel even want for anything, when so many millions of people live in need things.

I believe God is leading me to a simpler life. One where I rely on Him to meet my needs. It is time for drastic change. I am starting to plan my change for January. As of now here is some of what it will look like.

I will prepare my home for sale and put it on the market. I will sell most of my possessions. I might sell my car, I am not sure about that one yet. Then I will move into the city. Into the midtown or montrose area. I will live in a cheap apartment or house that I rent. I will get a job teaching at an inner city school. With the 40k I make I will live off of only 24k (less or more if needed). I will take the money from my possessions and the excess I make and start a homeless ministry called "The Beat."

The Beat would be a relationally based ministry. It would meet people on the street where they are and love them for who they are, not try to change them.

At first I would be the only employee. I would pick an area near to home to walk daily. I would take a backpack with bottled water and protein bars. The first few weeks I might just walk. After a while I would meet some of the homeless people. After developing relationships with them I would make sure they had access to everything they needed. I would make contacts with social workers, churches, missions, government agents, and others to secure the help they would need. There would be a foundation for the organization. With money that I raise I would be able to pay for an apartment for a year for people who want to get off the street. I would also have contacts with employment for these people.

In the end it is a ministry about loving these people first where they are. If they want to change, then I will help. If they don't, maybe seeing my life will help change that.

I would like to open the program up on a yearlong basis to others. I would like to work out a system where it could become an internship for credit with colleges and seminaries. Students would work in pairs. They would be assigned a "beat" to walk every day and do the same things I do. They would also have scheduled readings during the day. At night we would meet to discuss the readings and our experiences of the day.

Let me know if you have suggestions or any input for the idea.

In the end I am driven from the life of excess that focuses on monetary success and fame. I want to do something that affects someone else positively, and I think we are all called to do that.