The Killing of Me

I don't understand it.

I can't comprehend how millions of Christ-followers before me have done it.

How they have stayed motivated to fight for what matters.

I understand how most "Christians" have done it, because they avoid, or numb themselves to the pain. They seek the things of earth that will not last (when Christ comes to take the world back through his redemption of the church)

But how do the true followers do it. Christ himself, in his infinite patience, didn't have time for some things. But he always loved people, especially those who got love the least, and needed it the most.

I'm having trouble loving. but its not the traditional "least of these" that I struggle so mightily to love. Much of the struggle I have is with the own leadership at my faith community.

I've had a problem for a long time of placing leaders that I look up to on a pedastel, only to be crushed when they fall. Well I have gotten better.

I thought I had found the happy medium between the hopeful dream and realistic expectations. I guess I was wrong. People will always fail you.

This isn't about an isolated event, its been building. I just don't understand how people can treat other people, whom they act like they love, like dirt sometimes. Or how relationships can be built around convenience. It's very convenient for some people to be my friend, because I don't often say no, because I am passionate, because I want to follow Christ, and have seen glimpses of what the church can be.

Now I'm not claiming to be innocent of treating people poorly as well, but I don't use people... and I try my best to treat them with dignity always.

So why are we so broken?

We could discuss original sin in circles until we all hate ourselves (and are angry with god)

We could pretend like everything is peachy keen when its obvious that it is not.

I want to face my brokenness straight on. I want to be open and honest about it, I am not perfect (or anywhere near it). I want others to point out my brokenness, and rejoice in the redemption that is happening in my life.

But for some reason, I don't get excited too easily about others' brokenness. I get hurt.

I'm frustrated with inaction and injustice, I'm injured when I'm treated (intentionally or not) like I have less value than others, like my time isn't as important. I am let down when people who say they care don't show it.

Today a gifted speaker from stl came to speak to our congregation. He talked about exclusion.

He focused on Jesus cleansing the temple grounds. He told us about a short wall that separated the jewish section close to the main temple from the gentile section, and he talked about how the Jews mistreated the gentiles through the misuse of religious power. Then he asked us who our gentiles are. Who in our own lives are we drawing lines against. Who do we automatically drop into a lower class because of some characteristic.

A few specific people came to mind first, but then I started to realize that I easily give up on people who speak one way, act another, and don't seem to be trying to reconcile the two. I give up on people who don't visibly grow.

I'm not sure I've gotten this entirely wrong though. We must fight the pharisees, but we must do it because we love them, we mustn't separate them out in judgement, but bring them in in love.