Apologies and Community

Seems like every post starts with an apology these days.

My last post was troubled, and incoherent. The best kind of post!

I am beginning to understand that sometimes we must plunge in, sometimes baby steps might get us there the safest. I know that if/when I decide to join a group moving into a poor neighborhood that it will be a plunge, but for now I need to take baby steps.

I am going to reveal some info that makes me sound like I'm tooting my horn, but understand that the info just reveals God moving in my life, and has nothing to do with me.

I gave my piano to Ecclesia today. If you haven't already crapped your pants it's because you don't know about me and my piano. She is a Korg Triton LE88. When people come over they call it a keyboard, or synthesizer... pshhhhh. Its either just a piano (for simplicity's sake) or its a digital music workstation. But it is even so much more than that. It has a billion sounds on it, and they're all editable. You can record on it, or record with it. It has a flawless grand piano and is weighted perfectly like one. She's light enough for one person to carry, but heavy enough to feel valuable. She carries the bass tones like nothing I have ever heard. She was beautiful, and other than blogging was my greatest artistic output.

Tonight I gave her to my church, Ecclesia, and here is the story. When I decided to simplify my life the piano was the first thing I knew had to go. I spent 1800 on her, plus around 350 on peripherals. That is just too much. Well I was hoping to get around 1k for the whole shebang. I had decided that I would buy my macbook with the proceeds of the sale. (see I had decided that the only nice things I would have would be a macbook and a cell phone, seeing as they are the more necessary of technological items)

Well I was sending an email to the technology pastor at my church about helping out with sound and powerpoint and about giving them a mic I don't use any more. Of course I put in a plug about selling my piano for him to shop around. I felt like a jerk all day after I did it. Well a few days later (saturday night) I get an email from him saying they are having a guest worship leader and that she was looking for a piano to use at ecclesia that night (she had traveled in). Of course I said yes and brought it down for church tonight. One of the tech guys was making jokes about me leaving the piano for Ecclesia to have. Then it all started to come together in my head. I was justifying selling the piano because I wanted a macbook. How terrible is that? I wasn't truly surrendering my "things." I was just shifting them to something I could better justify.

Well I decided to donate my piano to Ecclesia (they have a recording studio and piano teacher who can use them along with the worship leaders). How strange that I would get that email about bringing it down for them to borrow. And how sad that it was probably the only way God was going to get my to realize my greed.

I don't guess that there is really a life lesson here. I guess it's just the idea that as I start to feel like I am getting somewhere in the way I live life, I find another layer of selfishness, another layer of greed, another layer of marginalizing my brethren.

I guess the farther we dig the deeper we go, the more we scrape off, the more we shine God. Will I be able to get over the disappointment of never reaching wholeness?

I may always be disappointed in myself, but I have friends who I will be amazed by daily.

Today we blessed a friend of mine to service in India for 6 months. Blossom is an amazing person. I have known her for one whole week, and I already consider her a good friend. After meeting one night for dinner with a number of other friends she invited me to her going away party. I didn't even know much about her going away. She is giving up seeking her own pleasure and comfort to go help thousands of women and children in Calcutta.

I couldn't be more proud to count her as a friend. I have much to learn from her.

So where does this leave me? I am rarely proud of myself, but always of others. Is this a Christlike attitude? or a Puritan self-esteem issue?

I guess in the end it doesn't matter. As long as I am scraping off the crap... as long as I let a little more God shine out every day... as long as I learn from friends like Blossom what it means to be Christ to the world... as long as I love, I am growing.

After all, its a journey, not a destination.